I can’t keep up. Things are moving too fast. Time is moving too fast. I went to Target last week before traveling to PA for Thanksgiving and I felt like I was standing still watching people bustle around me. There were loud, sparkling advertisements and signs, music blaring, kids running and pointing at toys and grabbing for candy … just stuff, and tons of stuff going on. I felt so out of place. I was taking too long in each aisle and people would push past me, some would comment but I’m not sure what they were saying because I was completely overwhelmed. I felt my face get hot and my eyes begin to sting and tingle, an all too familiar chain of events lately and I sniffed, held it together, walked out to my car and cried the whole way home. There’s just too much. Too much emotion, too many things to think about, too many things to do and I feel like screaming, “Just hold still!”

There are cereal bowls to fill, bottoms to wipe, emails to send, phones to answer, calls to make, food to make, things to buy, questions to answer. I feel like my arms and legs are moving and my head and mind are holding still, paused in thought and blanketed in sadness. And it makes me angry and frustrated. I feel unable to function properly.

Yesterday it took me 2 hours and 2 tries to get Liam down for his nap. When he finally awoke it was 3 pm. I had errands to run, there was no food in my house and I tried to pick up the pace and get everyone in the car. But my brain is working at half speed and in my hurry I found myself in the car without keys. I had locked my keys inside the house. After several calls and 45 minutes in the car in snow jackets, I was able to get a hold of an extra set of keys I gave to some friends.

There are good days and sad days. The good days seem “normal”. I get up and get dressed and feed kids and run errands and make dinner. But sad days hit without warning and I feel beat before I even get out of bed. This morning was one of those mornings.

I had nightmares all night, so did Daniel. Before he left for work he leaned over to give me a kiss and I said I had bad dreams about dying, he said he had bad dreams too, I asked about what, he said, “alligators” ... I’ll never understand him completely, his brain works differently than mine. But this morning I called my parents and mom and dad gave me some helpful advice.

As I described my feelings of frustration, anger and sadness I think my overarching question to them was, “what do I do? I feel like I should be functioning better, more efficiently and I don’t know what to do to keep up”. My mom told me it was okay to be like this for a while and stop worrying about what I “should” be doing. She said it’s like trying to run on a broken leg, you need time to heal and the healing process is different for everyone. But don’t expect to be running right now, just limp along and that’s okay. Both of my parents have lost their dads. Dad said that while he was mourning the loss of his father a while back, somebody gave him some very helpful advice; his friend told him “Don’t waste pain”. He said that pain often makes you slow down and reflect and those are good things to do. This painful experience does not need to be wasted on hurrying out of it. I can do that. I can wait and be patient and let this happen. I can slow down. I can reflect.